I read the post "10 Habits of Happy Couples" over at SFGlobe. Wally Kessler and I practice these every day. My favorite habit is #7
1. Go to bed together-if one wants to go to bed, the other runs to see who can hit the bed the fastest. I like to make a game of it!
2. Cultivate common interests-we sing karaoke together, we watch certain shows together like, Food Network, and American Ninja, golf, etc.
3. Walk hand in hand-Wally and I hold hands in the car. I especially love it when he takes my hand when we are crossing the road. This one in particular makes me feel really safe and cared for. (I can't explain it, but it does)
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode-we are all humans,so we all have flaws. We both choose to forgive and believe in each other's best intentions. #4 makes loving each other so much easier.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right, than what they do wrong-focusing on the positive side and looking for the good in each other makes room for more love to grow. We choose to see the good and focus on those things.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work-so important. It makes each of us feel we are home in a safe place. I love this like #4!
7. Say "I love you" and "have a great day"- Words that affirm are like an extra kiss in the morning. We always remember to wish each other a day of more love and peace.
8. Say "Good Night" every night-we say goodnight as a seal as we sleep. Our love covers each other and protects are hearts. A simple goodnight and I love you is magical.
9. Do a "weather check"-during the day one of us will text or call to check in. Asking how and what we are doing. It makes us feel wanted and thought of. I can't image a day when my darling man would not call and say "what ya doing?"
10. Be proud to be seen with your spouse-I love that Wally is my man. He is so strong and wise and kind. I am proud to walk with him by my side. He thinks I am so pretty and tells me how much he loves me with him.
What is your favorite habit in your marriage?
The Problem- Some people in their confusion, perceive the problem in a very cloudy way. Sometimes they may combine different problems together, or confuse their own problems with those of others. In such situations, solutions are often impossible to find, as we have no clear description of the problem. Here are some ways to aid in defining the problem.
1. What exactly is it that you want here?
2. Describe exactly how you would like your reality to be concerning this subject (issue)?
3. How are you reacting to it? Are you upset about what is happening or more so about how you are reacting to it? or both?
(This is to determine if our problem is the events which are causing the emotions or perhaps the emotions themselves or the bodily reactions to those emotions.)
I find this so helpful when I experience a conflict or an issue. Stopping to ask myself what is actually happening and what is it I want to have happen.
ex: Spouse is angry that supper is late because his blood sugar is dropping. He is short tempered and yells at his wife. She hears the yell, sees he is upset. She must ask herself if she becomes emotional about this, what actually is she getting emotional about.
a. he yelled (his tone)
b. her feeling of failure -she let him down
c. her own anger that he doesn't come and assist her
When we are faced with a conflict or an issue, it is so important to stay calm and respond. Do not react to issues. Respond by thinking first. Stop, drop and roll method for getting out of a smoked filled room applies here. Stop reacting, drop your emotions, roll with responses.
The key to overcoming conflict it to determine what is stimulating our emotions. Stimuli can either be external or internal.
Does this help? Can you identify your feelings and emotions easily. Being able to identify what you are feeling or experiencing will be instrumental in responding in a time of conflict. I have attached a list of feelings. Look over the list and choose the words that best describe your feelings when facing a conflict. This one step will set you up closer for success in your communication during conflict and issues.
To the observer, the Phlegmatic is extremely slow-paced and stubborn.
The Phlegmatic goes through life doing as little as possible, quietly, and expending little energy. It is not clear whether the Phlegmatic has very little energy, or it is because they refuse to use what little energy they do have.
They are task oriented with a great capacity for work that requires precision and accuracy and expends a minimal amount of energy. Only sleep can regenerate a Phlegmatic.
The world may never know all the brilliant thoughts, great books, spectacular works of art, or wonderful ministries that have been buried with the Phlegmatic. They seldom, if ever, use these ideas and talents because it would require expending to much energy and effort, to put these ideas into action.
The Phlegmatic sits back and watches other temperaments busy doing things wrongly and looking at all the things in the world that need to be changed. Identifying the injustice is not difficult for the Phlegmatic in Inclusion; however, they will seldom, if ever, initiate action against injustice. They will try to inspire others to do something, but are not likely to personally get involved themselves.
The Phlegmatic is the only temperament the Choleric is unable to control (which frustrates the Choleric tremendously). The Phlegmatic is the most stable temperament. The Phlegmatic is the most stubborn of all the temperaments when it comes to making changes. Because of their tendency to not be involvement, they are natural negotiators and diplomats. “Peace at all costs” is their motto.
The Phlegmatic has no fear of rejection and can handle unaffectionate and hostile people. They are calm, easygoing people who are not plagued with the emotional outbursts, exaggerated feelings, anger, bitterness or unforgiveness as are other temperaments. They are observers who do not get involved nor expend much energy. Their cool, complacent attitude can hurt people that love them. The way they observe can cause them to never give of themselves and, therefore, never receive either.
All temperaments have strengths and weaknesses. I will teach you how to turn your weakness into a strength!
Debbie Kessler loves her husband, Wally Kessler. She is a southern girl who loves Jesus and loves building up people to do Good Works of Love.