I read the post "10 Habits of Happy Couples" over at SFGlobe. Wally Kessler and I practice these every day. My favorite habit is #7
1. Go to bed together-if one wants to go to bed, the other runs to see who can hit the bed the fastest. I like to make a game of it!
2. Cultivate common interests-we sing karaoke together, we watch certain shows together like, Food Network, and American Ninja, golf, etc.
3. Walk hand in hand-Wally and I hold hands in the car. I especially love it when he takes my hand when we are crossing the road. This one in particular makes me feel really safe and cared for. (I can't explain it, but it does)
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode-we are all humans,so we all have flaws. We both choose to forgive and believe in each other's best intentions. #4 makes loving each other so much easier.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right, than what they do wrong-focusing on the positive side and looking for the good in each other makes room for more love to grow. We choose to see the good and focus on those things.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work-so important. It makes each of us feel we are home in a safe place. I love this like #4!
7. Say "I love you" and "have a great day"- Words that affirm are like an extra kiss in the morning. We always remember to wish each other a day of more love and peace.
8. Say "Good Night" every night-we say goodnight as a seal as we sleep. Our love covers each other and protects are hearts. A simple goodnight and I love you is magical.
9. Do a "weather check"-during the day one of us will text or call to check in. Asking how and what we are doing. It makes us feel wanted and thought of. I can't image a day when my darling man would not call and say "what ya doing?"
10. Be proud to be seen with your spouse-I love that Wally is my man. He is so strong and wise and kind. I am proud to walk with him by my side. He thinks I am so pretty and tells me how much he loves me with him.
What is your favorite habit in your marriage?
Not everyone is comfortable developing emotional intimacy – but if you don’t – your relationships will remain hollow and often difficult to maintain. Below are a few tips for connecting that we hope will assist you in your life’s journey.
In close physical proximity; without invading their space, talk to the one you care about at the heart level without worrying about how uncomfortable you may feel. Remember this moment is not about you, it is about them and how they feel.
Make statements such as:
I want you to feel how much I appreciate you
I’m so privileged to have you in my life, business, family, etc.
I am so pleased with your level of understanding
I love your unselfish ways
You are valuable to me and to others
I want you to feel loved by me
I’m so glad God made you the way He did
I can learn so much from you
If you make the effort to sit down with them knee to knee, eye-to-eye, you can bring a sense of calm to the other person. When the time is right you can ask them the following types of questions and accept their answers.
Do you feel loved by me? If not, what can I do to help you feel more loved?
Do you feel as though I understand what goes on inside of you? If not, what can I do to help you feel more understood?
Do you feel as though I cherish and validate you as a person?
Do you feel like I put my job or other people before you?
Honor them. Take some time to just relax and enjoy that person on an individual basis. Avoid talk about rules, expectations, or controversial subjects – just be in the same room together.
Making statements such as:
I believe you are something special.
God used you in my life when you did ______ or when you said_____.
I’ve been noticing these positive character traits in you. Keep up the good work.
I saw that you did ____without my saying anything, I really appreciated that.
Ask the person about one thing they want you to change. These moments gives them hope and builds their trust in you.
not saying “please forgive me”
being too harsh
Everyone feels nurtured when they are touched in a gentle appropriate way – without expectation.
Give them a blessing in the morning and at night.
Start and end their day by speaking words that affirm their lives.
Bless your children with prayer before bedtime and again in the morning before they start their day. (If applicable)
Help them to resolve issues with other people.
Encourage them not to let the sun go down on their wrath, hurts, or misunderstandings.
Show them how to look at others eye to eye so they can do it in their own lives.
NOTE: Try to do this at least a few minutes every day, for each person you care about. If you can make it 30 minutes a week minimum, you will see your relationships change in the way you have always wanted. This does not happen without effort or a bit of awkwardness.
A couple who is aware of the predictors of divorce and the predictors of a lasting marriage will have more ability to combat against what works against them with what they have going for them in their favor. Being aware of your marriage health will help you design a Love plan of Action that you are living your dream marriage.
Research indicates that a “Hollywood Romantic” like marriage is fantasy and does not contain the necessary “glue” that holds a marriage together. But, marriage based on love and respect and godly principles has the “stick together” factor. Research shows that unhappy periods in a marriage are not indicative of future unhappiness. In fact, one study showed that 86% of unhappily married couples who stayed with their marriage were happier five years later--three fifths of whom were "quite" or "very happy."
Reasons Couples Stay Together
1. You want to.
2. You feel you ought to.
3. You have to.
It's not love and luck. Couples stay together when applying commitment and companionship. Commitment means that you have powerful personal, moral, and structural reasons to stay in the relationship. Companionship means that you and your partner form a unified married “team” against whatever challenges life hands you.
Married “team” partners may fight, disagree, and encounter stalemates, but they know that their happiness and satisfaction in life depends on the success of the team--not on their individual success.
Who has the Power in your Marriage?
1. The Man
2. The Woman
3. The One who pays the bills.
4. The One who loves the most.
That person has the power to turn a relationship around or run it into the ground. And that person usually never realizes how much power he/she wields until it is too late.
That person is YOU.
You have the choice to either react to the situation you're in (by complaining about your marriage, allowing yourself to be swamped by negative emotions, or feeling out of control), or to take responsibility and choose your actions. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can hurt you without your consent."
Even if you cannot change your partner's behavior, you can choose how you respond to that behavior. You can internalize the blame, the hurt, and the criticism, or you can take responsibility for your own feelings and choose to act the way you want to feel. Think again about that last concept. You should act the way you want to feel. If you want to feel more loving towards your spouse, act more loving. If you want to feel happier in your marriage, smile more and express gratitude for the good things in your marriage.
It's one of the strangest aspects of human psychology that the more you act the way you want to feel (thankful, peaceful, loving, affectionate, etc.) the more you will begin to feel that way.
Happiness in Marriage greatly depends on our knowing our own selves and also understanding our spouse. Your Love DNA assessment will help you get all the facts about your needs and wants, strengths and weaknesses. You will finally understand why you do what you do. Your spouse will want to also take the Love DNA test for optimal marital understanding.
Call Mama Love Coach Debbie (770-307-7759) or email firstname.lastname@example.org to have access for discovering your Love DNA
Those feelings of hurt or being slighted when your spouse didn't come home right away or failed to do what was usually expected can be difficult to deal with. Often not telling them directly what you would like can increase the anxiety and cause worry in your soul.
What about when you said something to your partner and they completely got the wrong interpretation of what you meant?
It is my view that spouses know their partner well enough and should have the ability to talk things out. For, we all want harmony and good will at home. So what can you do to prevent this misunderstanding from happening? The first step as in all conflict is to control your thoughts. Worry is not fact. We can make up all kinds of problems that most of the time will never happen. With texting and cell phones, we seldom can’t reach our partner. Allowing a few minutes to respond is only good and demonstrates healthy behaviors. Harness your thoughts and act accordingly with a calming behaviors.
Be mindful of old sensitivies from past experiences. The partner whose first husband cheated on them often will admit to needing reassurance when schedules change. Owning our insecurities with our partner and how we developed them will only promote more emotional intimacy between you and your partner. Asking for understanding and receiving it will often lead to a healing of these earlier upsets.
If you do “lose it” with your loved one, breath and give up any defensiveness and say you are sorry. Using magic words like "I am sorry" and "Let's not fight" or "I love you" help to ease feelings. It is possible that many have not heard those words growing up and this is a new experience. It will get easier with practice.
Life has enough challenges without our turning misunderstandings into full blown drama experiences. Pour faith, grace and love over your thoughts and give them to your spouse.
There will come a time in your life when you realize you wished for a plan or a map to success. Your desire for success can be for a prosperous business, a healthy loving marriage and/or a successful Christian life. Success is the product of right actions and thoughts. However, I have found that there are actual steps we can take to put us on the right path for success. Follow along and allow your mind to uncover what you already know, and put some simple steps into action.
Find Your Own Path
Jesus Christ will give you meaning in life. You will belong to a family that encourages, supports and prays for you. So find your path to Christ. John 8:12 " Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” Finding Christ on your path will give meaning, understanding of what God thinks about you and you will become whole. Without Christ a hole is left open in our souls. Christ fills all the holes in life and makes us new in Him.
Change can be scary. Change can exhilarating. Change can be good. How one reacts to change is dependent on their own soul beliefs. Decide to embrace thinking about change first. Think about what the change will look like. Try it on. Think about the way others willview you with this change. Think on the possibilities of good coming from the change. Get your mind to thinking first. All behaviors begin in the mind. Put your mind to work for the good of your soul.
If change is something you resist, then start small. Find a small area or thing or idea that would benefit you by changing. Try a small change.Seeing that you have success in the small change in life you will try to accept change in other areas of your life. You will soon realize that will putting your mind in gear and trying a new small change it will be easier the next time when change is needed.
Seek New Adventures
A great way to incorporate a life plan is to expand your horizons and seek new things to do. Going for a walk instead of sitting and watching television is great for opening up your mind to new changes. Find a nice lake and paddle in a boat to the other side. You will gain strength in doing something different. Seek new things to do. Try to paint a picture or write a poem. Cook dinner for your neighbor. Learn to seek new things to do that will open your mind to a bigger life plan.
Release the Past
Old hurts and hangups just slow us down. They are like having heavy baggage on your back where ever we walk. Give your hurts and hangups to God. This is a small change for you. Change your life plan by allowing Jesus to carry your burdens
Matthew 11: 28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Yes, Jesus, gives us rest from our worries and burdens. Put change into action by giving Jesus your burdens. Release everyone from your judgments and criticisms. Set them free from owing you anything. It is so freeing to be free.
Pause and Reflect
Consider what Christ has done for you. Look back at all the ways he has helped you. Realize how he sent help to you through others, through answered prayers and strength. Pause and count your blessings. This will keep you humble and grateful for his workings in your life. Your life plan will be a success with pausing to reflect on the goodness of the Lord.
When you keep your heart open it means you are vulnerable. You are saying in some way to Jesus that you trust Him with your life plan. Hebrews 6:1 " Therefore let us leave the elementary doctrine of Christ and go on to maturity, not laying again a foundation of repentance from dead works and of faith toward God," Trusting Christ is staying open.
This action step in our life plan is one we fight. We tend to think that with Jesus, What a happy home! This is false teaching. It is good and uplifting, but it is false for reality. Jesus never said he would provide happiness. Happiness is a reaction to environment. But he did say he would give us JOY. That we can count on. Joy is from the strength of the Lord. Joy come from Christ. Colossians 1:11 " May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy," A life plan is successful when we have the JOY of the Lord as our strength.
To complete this action plan for your life plan study these verses:The fruit of the Holy Spirit Galatians 5"22-23
Your mind reads and studies as your soul to prays to God that your body will take the actions needed to walk out your life plan.
It is my pleasure to invite Paula Tobey to be a guest blogger. She would love for you to find out more about her after reading her article. Check out below and we look forward to your comments below. ~Love Coach Debbie Kessler
Many parents find it very difficult to have intimacy in their marriage especially with small
children in the house. It can be even harder when one or many of those children are in any way, needy. As kids get older however there is a myth that it is easier to have intimate relations.
And, as a matter of fact, I personally have found it more challenging because I don’t think about it during the day. I have however discovered that if I do a few small things over a period of days it helps a lot. I need to set a reminder on my phone to send a love note to my husband during the day. That way I actually think about the fact that it matters to him. I have been known to go in and change the time so it is less obvious to him J (lets be real ladies). But anyway, I have been doing these little things daily and I can report they really do help!
Join with me, if you are at a place in your marriage where you may need a boost, Take the 5 Day Flirting Challenge. See what it can do for you in your marriage!! Just be careful not to be so “into” day 5 though, you might just wake up the children! LOL.
Take the five-day flirting challenge.
Challenge yourself to five days of flirting (yes, in a row) with your man. Incorporate as many of HIS love languages as you can.
Day One – Leave him a fun or flirty note.
This could be on the seat of his car, on his bathroom mirror or on his coffee pot in the morning. Some of the things you could say are: I love you. You’re the best dad. Those jeans are really working for you.
Day Two – Brag on him.
Say nice things about him In front of his kids, his mom or his best friend. And if he can’t be around to hear the bragging – then report back to him. It still counts.
Day Three – Buy him a treat.
Get him something that he doesn’t have to share with your kids. Like his favorite snack and beverage, get him a book or magazine he enjoys or you can buy him something that goes with his hobby.
Day Four – Send him a text.
Again, fun and flirty are the keys here. (And, “Don’t forget to pick up milk!” doesn’t count.) Try using words that get him to whip his head saying, come again?
Day Five – Wear something besides a T-shirt to bed.
After you have done these 5 flirty things, come share with us what you did! What did you *try* new? Tell us how he responded. J
The reasons we mothers need to put forth the effort for our men, often indirectly affect our children. We seem to be more prone to try harder if it means things are not going well and that in turn rubs off on the kids. This is fine motivation, but let it not be the only motivation. Let’s think of this as doing it for your ‘own good’.
Paula Tobey is a Healthy Living Coach and Speaker and resides in Houston TX with her two daughters 7 and 9, and her husband Seth, of 16 years. She is a former teacher and now coaches parents as well as a speaker to groups about various parenting topics.
For more information about Parenting and having PheMOMenal Life, check out Paula Tobey’s two websites at www.parentingspecialchildren.com and www.phemomenallife.com
Share your thoughts about the 5 Day Flirty Challenge and share us on Facebook.
The business of life, the 9-5 job, the babies that need rocking, the clothes that need washing, the supper dishes, the yard work…takes your attention and zaps your energies which results in dulling your sexiness. Spending more time and energy trying to wrestle life manageable leaves you thinking and possibly spewing out your mouth: “not tonight!”
Your lover is now questioning your sexual desire and their ability to please you. Men and women both face this questioning. If this happens time and time again then a sexy vibrating relationship will dry up and the “love life” will suffer.
Sometimes it is easy to doubt if our "love life" problems will ever improve. If men and women blame each other for the problems, then a solution will likely never surface.
The NUMBER ONE (False) assumption spouses have about improving the sex in their marriage is their spouse is different.
That assumption is wrong.
Time and time again--after one learns how to make
sex fun, instead of a chore, and how to please their
spouse--REALLY please their spouse--something amazing
Their spouse changes!
Suddenly--their spouse isn't avoiding sex. They are initiating it.
Now, instead of "barely being there"--their spouse is truly "into it."
And the reason this happens is really very simple. We are motivated by pleasure and success.
When there isn't much of either in the bedroom...no one (including your
spouse) is going to be motivated. No one is desiring to be frustrated or a failure.
But...when we start to experience pleasure and success...and fun...
we want more.
It is that simple!
So...you should highly consider TRYING to change things before you give up on them...
Both men and women can learn to be seductive. Seduction is simple displaying all your good parts in a very alluring package. This display can be done in various different manners. It can simply start by the way you carry your body. The way you smile as you look at each other. Try little loving gestures of kindness. Linger a little longer by his side. Look at her lovingly before you kiss her goodbye. If you start thinking desire and seduction you will be desirous and seductive. Sexiness starts in the mind, first.
Desire and Seduction work together. We must learn how both these powerful feelings work in ourselves and our mates. You want to be desirous to your lover. You want your lover to turn you on. These powerful forces can be your ally in fighting the bedroom boredom's.
Take the time and energy to invest in your love life by thinking sexy, by reading godly articles and books about sexuality. Both you and your mate will start to see boredom in the bedroom change to desire and fulfillment. ~Debbie, the Love Coach
Not everyone can afford to spend big money on romance ever time, but a bit of creativity can get the same results without breaking the bank.
So my girlfriends and I agree that a nice dinner and a good bottle of wine at a quiet, intimate restaurant will set the mood for romance, but have you seen the price tag? As much fun and romantic an evening like that is, not everyone can afford to spend big money on that type of romance ever time. But we got together with a bit of creativity and came up with some ideas that won’t break the bank.
Yes, many people know about ‘his and hers’ items like bathrobes and towels, there are a number of other items that can be enjoyed together as ‘couples’ items. Try getting matching T-shirts with cute sayings on them. Have matching his and hers overnight bags, coffee mugs, bicycles, cell phones, cars, holiday ornaments, tennis rackets, rocking chairs and even matching carved pumpkins on Halloween.
Surprise your partner by making the ordinary a little more special. If he or she is enjoying a good book, remove the bookmark and replace it with a note that says, “I bet you’ll never guess where I’ve hidden your bookmark.” If they always turn the TV on when they come home from work, tape a note on the television that says, “Wouldn’t you rather turn me on?” instead.
Here is a fun memory maker activity that will bring romantic rewards even on a budget. Challenge your partner to remember the most romantic kiss that you’ve seen in a movie. This will lead to some discussion about romantic kisses and should enhance the mood. As a surprise, buy that movie one day and try to recreate that special romantic kiss! Keep it in a special place and re-watch it whenever the mood strikes. If you can’t agree on the single most romantic kiss, go ahead and create a top five list. This tip works for anything. Another idea is to list the top five most romantic songs; the top five most romantic movies; the top five most romantic books. You see the pattern. Make sure to go ahead and buy the books, songs, movies or whatever so you can use them in the future.
My very confident girlfriend laughed as she told us about her romantic plan: If you want to plan the ultimate romantic evening but funds are low or you simply don’t want to have to leave the house, shut down the electricity and imitate a power outage (it’s up to you whether or not you tell him or her!). You won’t have any distractions or heat, so it is up to both of you to keep the other warm and entertain each other.
It’s hard to find anyone who doesn’t enjoy an Oreo cookie. Take an Oreo (or generic version of one), scratch the top of the cookie until smooth and then scratch a heart and your initials into the smooth surface. You can also make your own cookies and create personal messages. Another version is to make your own cupcakes and frost them with special messages in red icing. You can also give your spouse a true treat and track down a box of his or her favorite Girl Scout cookie.
These 5 simple ideas are sure to warm up any relationship. Don’t be afraid to try simple tips and changes to “routines” to spice things up without having it cost a fortune!
Need more help other than romance ideas? I offer one/one coaching you to a Happy Marriage. Call for your Free consultation. 770-307-7759 Love Debbie
"Beauty is the illumination of the soul." ~John O'Donohue
Today's woman may wonder if she measures up to what she thinks her man finds alluring and deserving of his attention. You may think he desires the long legs, full lips, blue eyes of one matching the vision on Angelina Jolie. Research has revealed that men are excited by the visual stimulus and that is good news. Yes, men are attracted visually but, not for the body parts you may think. Before I go any further, I want to distinguish the difference in looking at women and being drawn to a woman--attraction.
Your man loves to see a beautiful woman. It jacks up his testosterone and revs him up to make love. But remember many men will not go up to a beautiful woman and talk with her. She may be beautiful, but he wants more than a beautiful creature for a wife. Your man married YOU. And your man wants you to be attracted to him--to desire him. The good news about his delight by the visual is that you possess a beautiful body part he wants. It is beautiful to all men. Your man is attracted to your SMILE. Your smile will attract your man over and over again through out the years. You will become more beautiful as your marriage grows.
Yes, you are your man's idea of beauty. Lean in and enjoy this aspect of his love for you. Put in the back of your mind, never to be lost. And when your man approaches you for anything, pause, listen and smile. You will endear his heart to you every time you smile.
So be beautiful and let your soul be illuminated by your smile.
Your Love Coach,
Debbie Kessler loves her husband, Wally Kessler. She is a southern girl who loves Jesus and loves building up people to do Good Works of Love.