How Can a Love Plan of Action Help Your Marriage?
Are you fully in control of your love life? Is your marriage meeting your needs? Do you have a clear and definite idea of what your marriage should look like? And are you currently taking the necessary steps to create your ideal marriage?
If not, then you run the risk of experiencing a failing marriage. We have all heard that those who fail to plan, plan to fail. Ouch! This is the key to the awesome marriage coaching provided through the Happy Marriage Programs. A Love Plan of Action that is designed with your marriage in mind. Your plan will be what meets your needs, not some other couple’s needs. Your needs are considered and will be the thrust for building a Happy Marriage.
All too often we neglect to work on our marriages and then we find ourselves feeling unloved, unappreciated and misunderstood. The big three: Communication, Lack of Intimacy and Conflict are in the forefront of everything happening in a marriage. The big three cause a lot of problems for those once “love birds”. See if you can recognize yourself:
Todd goes to work each day, thinking that his work is showing Mary how much he loves her and the kids. Mary one day doesn’t kiss him good bye and is too busy with the kids to even say hello when Todd returns home from work.
Weeks pass by; Tom doesn’t want to say anything because he is sure that Mary is mad at him. He doesn’t want to cause Mary to be upset more than she already apparently is. Mary is sure that Todd is seeing someone else because he is avoiding her. He never tells her he loves her anymore.
One day, a debit was forgotten to be subtracted from the checkbook causing a major loss of money. Mary was responsible, but had let that one receipt fall by the way. Tom already feeling rejected saw this as Mary’s revenge toward him. All the ugly thoughts came spilling out of the mouths defending, intimidating and blaming.
Unfortunately the couple had never learned healthy communication and had not understood the dangers of negative thoughts for their spouse. This couple is heading down a slippery slope toward divorce. With marriage education and a specialized Love Plan of Action couples like Todd and Mary CAN refresh and revive their marriage.
In order to have a happy marriage, you must be proactive. You have to take charge and change the way you think about your marriage and spouse. Once you take back control of your marriage you will soon realize you will need to know what you want in a marriage. What does a happy marriage look like to you and your spouse? If you never considered what you wanted and worked to get it, you end up with a less than happy and unfulfilled marriage, all by chance. You will want to know what you want and then have a plan to get there and start moving!
Love Plan of Action is a structured way doing just that, take a look:
So let’s start the process now!
call 770-307-7759 to set up a session with Mama Love Coach
I read the post "10 Habits of Happy Couples" over at SFGlobe. Wally Kessler and I practice these every day. My favorite habit is #7
1. Go to bed together-if one wants to go to bed, the other runs to see who can hit the bed the fastest. I like to make a game of it!
2. Cultivate common interests-we sing karaoke together, we watch certain shows together like, Food Network, and American Ninja, golf, etc.
3. Walk hand in hand-Wally and I hold hands in the car. I especially love it when he takes my hand when we are crossing the road. This one in particular makes me feel really safe and cared for. (I can't explain it, but it does)
4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode-we are all humans,so we all have flaws. We both choose to forgive and believe in each other's best intentions. #4 makes loving each other so much easier.
5. Focus more on what your partner does right, than what they do wrong-focusing on the positive side and looking for the good in each other makes room for more love to grow. We choose to see the good and focus on those things.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work-so important. It makes each of us feel we are home in a safe place. I love this like #4!
7. Say "I love you" and "have a great day"- Words that affirm are like an extra kiss in the morning. We always remember to wish each other a day of more love and peace.
8. Say "Good Night" every night-we say goodnight as a seal as we sleep. Our love covers each other and protects are hearts. A simple goodnight and I love you is magical.
9. Do a "weather check"-during the day one of us will text or call to check in. Asking how and what we are doing. It makes us feel wanted and thought of. I can't image a day when my darling man would not call and say "what ya doing?"
10. Be proud to be seen with your spouse-I love that Wally is my man. He is so strong and wise and kind. I am proud to walk with him by my side. He thinks I am so pretty and tells me how much he loves me with him.
What is your favorite habit in your marriage?
Not everyone is comfortable developing emotional intimacy – but if you don’t – your relationships will remain hollow and often difficult to maintain. Below are a few tips for connecting that we hope will assist you in your life’s journey.
In close physical proximity; without invading their space, talk to the one you care about at the heart level without worrying about how uncomfortable you may feel. Remember this moment is not about you, it is about them and how they feel.
Make statements such as:
I want you to feel how much I appreciate you
I’m so privileged to have you in my life, business, family, etc.
I am so pleased with your level of understanding
I love your unselfish ways
You are valuable to me and to others
I want you to feel loved by me
I’m so glad God made you the way He did
I can learn so much from you
If you make the effort to sit down with them knee to knee, eye-to-eye, you can bring a sense of calm to the other person. When the time is right you can ask them the following types of questions and accept their answers.
Do you feel loved by me? If not, what can I do to help you feel more loved?
Do you feel as though I understand what goes on inside of you? If not, what can I do to help you feel more understood?
Do you feel as though I cherish and validate you as a person?
Do you feel like I put my job or other people before you?
Honor them. Take some time to just relax and enjoy that person on an individual basis. Avoid talk about rules, expectations, or controversial subjects – just be in the same room together.
Making statements such as:
I believe you are something special.
God used you in my life when you did ______ or when you said_____.
I’ve been noticing these positive character traits in you. Keep up the good work.
I saw that you did ____without my saying anything, I really appreciated that.
Ask the person about one thing they want you to change. These moments gives them hope and builds their trust in you.
not saying “please forgive me”
being too harsh
Everyone feels nurtured when they are touched in a gentle appropriate way – without expectation.
Give them a blessing in the morning and at night.
Start and end their day by speaking words that affirm their lives.
Bless your children with prayer before bedtime and again in the morning before they start their day. (If applicable)
Help them to resolve issues with other people.
Encourage them not to let the sun go down on their wrath, hurts, or misunderstandings.
Show them how to look at others eye to eye so they can do it in their own lives.
NOTE: Try to do this at least a few minutes every day, for each person you care about. If you can make it 30 minutes a week minimum, you will see your relationships change in the way you have always wanted. This does not happen without effort or a bit of awkwardness.
From a spiritual level, my husband and I are already in union with each other on this earth. When I chose him as my love partner it was because I hoped we could supplement and support each other in our physical, mental, emotional, material and spiritual needs. Although we can not give what the other does not have, we can work together finding mutual self-fulfillment.
We must reach out beyond ourselves and reach toward each other. As we grow spiritually, our love will flow out like a river. We will cease to try and protect our emotions and hide our needs, we will reach out and meet their emotional needs and in due time we will reap what we give out. We will be refreshed by the River of Love. Choosing love is the greatest act one can give another.
Choose to love your spouse; but can you choose to love unselfishly?
Ultimately, our only lasting source of security and fulfillment is our relationship with God. Developing this relationship allows us to develop the inner security and inner fulfillment. With that inner security, we can afford to be more understanding toward our partner. We have less fear, and thus, we can listen more carefully to the other and respond to his or her real needs, rather than be defensive or protective of our own. When we are sure within our-self, we can love the other unconditionally regardless of what he or she does because we are not dependent. We love the other and choose to be with him or her out of love and not out of need.
Real growth in spirituality will continue to choose love over and over again.
I enjoy this song from David Steele's Relationship Coaching Institute and want you to feel the words of love.
Those feelings of hurt or being slighted when your spouse didn't come home right away or failed to do what was usually expected can be difficult to deal with. Often not telling them directly what you would like can increase the anxiety and cause worry in your soul.
What about when you said something to your partner and they completely got the wrong interpretation of what you meant?
It is my view that spouses know their partner well enough and should have the ability to talk things out. For, we all want harmony and good will at home. So what can you do to prevent this misunderstanding from happening? The first step as in all conflict is to control your thoughts. Worry is not fact. We can make up all kinds of problems that most of the time will never happen. With texting and cell phones, we seldom can’t reach our partner. Allowing a few minutes to respond is only good and demonstrates healthy behaviors. Harness your thoughts and act accordingly with a calming behaviors.
Be mindful of old sensitivies from past experiences. The partner whose first husband cheated on them often will admit to needing reassurance when schedules change. Owning our insecurities with our partner and how we developed them will only promote more emotional intimacy between you and your partner. Asking for understanding and receiving it will often lead to a healing of these earlier upsets.
If you do “lose it” with your loved one, breath and give up any defensiveness and say you are sorry. Using magic words like "I am sorry" and "Let's not fight" or "I love you" help to ease feelings. It is possible that many have not heard those words growing up and this is a new experience. It will get easier with practice.
Life has enough challenges without our turning misunderstandings into full blown drama experiences. Pour faith, grace and love over your thoughts and give them to your spouse.
Success is more than economic gains, titles, and degrees. One can plan for success in just about any aspect of life. You can map out a plan even for your marriage. Similar to a map that you actually take with you on a journey, you will need to define a few details. For example you will need to define you origin, your destination, your vehicle, your backpack, your landmarks, and your route. One may ask, Coach Debbie how is life mapping going to work for a successful marriage. I am glad you asked. Let’s jump right into this topic and find out just how easy it is to map out a successful marriage.
Starting Point: Where you are right now
A map has a starting point. Your origin is who you are right now. Most couples when asked to introduce themselves would say, “Hi, we’re the Kessler’s, we live in Georgia and have been married for 12 years. This does not tell you about who the couple really is; it only tells you their present status of marriage. It does not tell us anything about who Debbie is or what she values in a marriage.
Let’s apply this to your marriage, to gain insights about yourself, you need to look closely at your beliefs, values, and principles that you have toward marriage. Also, you can reflect on your experiences to give you insights on your good and not-so-good traits, skills, knowledge, strengths, and weaknesses. Upon introspection, a couple could realize that they have a few good characteristics and doing so they each found out about them selves. Jill was highly positive, generous, service-oriented, but impatient. Eddie was loyal, trustworthy, and passionate, but was controlling. They both were inclined to want a happy marriage. And they both believed that life must serve a purpose, and that their marriage could be a good example in the community,church and with friends.
Destination: A vision of who you want to be
“Who do you want to be?” this is your vision. Now it is important that you know yourself so that you would have a clearer idea of who you want to be; and the things you want to change whether they are attitudes, habits, or points of view. If you hardly know yourself, then your vision and targets for the future would also be unclear. Your destination should cover all the aspects of your being: the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. Continuing with Jill’s story, after she defined her beliefs, values, and principles in life, she decided that she wanted to have a life dedicated in being a godly wife and mother.
Vehicle: The Mission
A vehicle is the means by which you can reach your destination. It can be analogized to your mission or vocation in life. To a great extent, your mission would depend on what you know about yourself. Based on the couple’s self-assessment, they decided that their marriage should honor Christ. They were both suited to become a godly husband and wife and wanted to become that. So this is how their marriage mission state would read:
Our mission is to be devoted as a family, to living our lives as a Christian family, focusing on the teachings of Christ. We will work together to strengthen our community through our active involvement in charities and Christian outreach programs. We will set strong examples for our children and will raise them with the proper amounts of nurturing and discipline. We are committed to considering each others feelings always and putting their needs above our own. We will give praise to the Lord each day for bringing us together.
Travel Bag: Your knowledge, skills, and attitude
Food, drinks, medicines, and other traveling necessities are contained in a bag. Applying this concept to your marriage map, you also bring with you certain knowledge, skills, and attitudes. These determine your competence and help you in attaining your vision. Given such, there is a need for you to assess what knowledge, skills, and attitudes you have at present and what you need to gain along the way. This two-fold assessment will give you insights on your landmarks or measures of success. The wife in our example realized that she needed to gain more knowledge and skills on her temperament and that of her husband. That way she would better understand his needs and meet his needs. She knew that she was a bit impatient with him so she realized that this was something she wanted to change. The husband knew he wanted to learn more about how to let go of some of the control.
Landmarks and Route: S.M.A.R.T. objectives
Landmarks confirm if you are on the right track while the route determines the travel time. Thus, in planning out your marriage, you also need to have landmarks and a route. These landmarks are your measures of success. These measures must be specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time bound.Remember, especially when you are first starting out, don't set your goals too high. Make your short term goals achievable rather quickly. This will set you, as a couple, into the habit of achieving your goals. Set goals both together and separately. For example, a husband who has never cooked a meal in his life might have the short term goal of learning how to cook something nice for his wife, or how to launder her sweaters without shrinking them. A wife might have the short term goal of learning the difference between a power forward and a shooting guard. Together, you might have the short term goal of planting a flower bed or painting the bathroom.
One couple set a goal for learning each other’s temperament and we put together little changes they could implement. Our couple identified the following landmarks in their marriage map: completing a temperament test, working with their marriage coach to understand their own temperament, and then each other’s temperament. Their goal was to bring harmony into their marriage. They would be getting along better. They also realized their need to learn better communication and conflict skills.
Your long term goals could be more involved. Paying off a loan, making a career change or planning the ultimate vacation. Write these things down and go over them often. Adjust your goals as your lives change. This will also help you both keep the lines of communication open and you will find the reward in helping your beloved achieve a personal goal can be just as powerful as achieving one of your own goals in life.
Anticipate Turns, Detours, and Potholes
Back to our example. As Jill and Eddie's marriage coach I encouraged them to not get discouraged if and when they hit a pothole or had to make a detour. The purpose of a marriage map/mission statement is to minimize hasty and spur-of-the-moment decisions that can make you lose your way. But oftentimes our plans are modified along the way due to some inconveniences, delays, and other situations beyond our control. Like in any path, there are turns, detours, and potholes thus; we must anticipate them and adjust accordingly. As their marriage coach I am able to help Jill overcome any setback in her vision to be a godly wife and mother. Again, I must stress, keep your marriage mission statement and marriage plan flexible. Be prepared to make adjustments when necessary and make sure your partner is aware when the need arises for you to take on more responsibilities for your marriage together.
I hope that you are able to see how even having a marriage map for your marriage is beneficial. When you ask for my coaching I will take you through a process that will allow you to identify your marriage mission. You will learn how to map out a successful vision and mission statement even for your marriage.
Let me encourage you with these verses. “The Lord…will bless the home of those who do right.” And “the Lord hears the prayers of those who do right.” Even more, “the Lord supports those, who do right,” and “the wishes of those who do right will come true.”Pro. 3:33, Pro 15:29 Ps 37:17 and Pro 11:23
Always remember to schedule your free consultation with your Marriage Coach Debbie Kessler
It did not phase me so much the first time I heard a client answer, " I don't know what I want." I chalked it up to someone not in touch with who they were. Now, it is almost common to hear this phrase. Hearing "I don't know what I want from a marriage" causes my coaching radar to beep. These couples have put the marriages and relationships on auto pilot. A marriage on auto pilot requires no attention, no accountability, no worry, and therefore no thought for the future. A marriage on auto pilot means someone else will pick up the pieces or "we will just think about it another day."
Let's look at a few examples of what auto pilot looks like a marriage:
Differing situations of lack of attention
Playing video games, texting, reading the paper or book, listening with earphones to iPod. All these forms of entertainment are not meant to neglect or create lack of attention. They are ways to entertain us or help us chill out. But many who want to talk, be listened to or spend time with their spouse may will find these all a hindrance to full attention and quality time.
Did you know you have three options?
1. turn the devise off or put down the book
2. ask if your partner to give you x number of minutes to finish (and then follow through)
3. ignore your partner and send the message that you do not care.
The best option is to take control of your relationship by not allowing technology to suck you in.
Sweeping it under the rug syndrome
If you experience this syndrome don't fret. Maybe you or your partner are just not good at expressing your feelings. If you are unable to air your pent up feelings you could be sweeping them under the rug. Soon there will be a lump under that rug. That lump will likely cause you to trip over it as you react to that same old issue. This lashing out (reaction) is from stuffing your feelings and thoughts.
See if this is a doable remedy.
Take notes in your phone or tablet of what happened and how it made you feel. Be sure to think of a way you would like it handled next time. This little exercise will allow you to vent and will give you the words to say whenyou have the ability to talk it out with your partner. Venting is a way to release the pressure. Writing is a safe way to express your feelings in safety. But complete the steps by deciding what or how you would like the issue to be solved and then ask to explain this to your spouse. You will find that these small changes can help in big ways.
Having a don't care attitude
This kind of attitude is dangerous for your marriage. A marriage partnership is all about the caring and loving of one another. It is about having your partner's back, them supporting you as well. A great way to bring concern and caring back in your relationship is to imagine not having your partner, home, job, or family when you woke up the next day. We usually take for granted our partners and this can easily turn into not caring.
Living with head in the clouds
Are you a dreamer? Do you dream of the future and forget to live in the present. Do you wish that one day you would be happy. Maybe you secretly wish your partner would change so your life would be happier. Real life means excepting the decisions you have made and making the best by being the best you. Live in the now. Live each day as it was your last and love your partner warts and all.
Not knowing what we want is the catalyst to a failing marriage. Turn off autopilot and manage your marriage. Take control again. Wake up and open your eyes; notice little things; start eye contact; smile more; tell jokes; do extra curricula activities; show appreciation.
The progressive Divorce Free Marriage Course offered through my coaching is based on the fundamental belief that with the right skills almost every marital issue can be resolved. You may think that fighting and compromise is inevitable in a relationship. But here at the Happy Marriage Care Center we want to set the standards higher. The Divorce Free Marriage programs will teach you how to avoid fights and build deeper intimacy with effective communication skills, conflict resolution strategy and intimacy building. Couples who want to save their marriage will learn:
What area needs the most help in your marriage? Get in Touch
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Everyone has this HUGE desire: TO HAVE OUR NEEDS MET. You and your spouse have this mutual desire. Your relationship survival depends on your needs being met. Your relationship has a better chance of being long and happy when you and your spouse feels loved, wanted and appreciated. One of the biggest reasons relationships do not work is the spouses do not even know what needs the other has. Sexual needs are easy to spot. Basic needs like food, clothing, water, oxygen, and shelter are obvious. I am talking about emotional needs that are not usually discussed and are usually not even realized It is very important for your emotional health and for your marriage to have those relationship needs met. Meeting needs is a way to stay happy and stay together.
The best way to get your needs met in the marriage is by making sure the other person knows just what those needs are. Have you ever tried reading your spouses mind? Not much luck in that and if you try to second guess, you can spend a lot of time and energy failing. You can't read minds, and you should not expect your spouse to be able to ready minds either. Both partners in the marriage should take this seriously and learn more about each other's needs.
Needs are human. Needs should not be considered weaknesses. Look at it this way. Having your needs met enables you to become who you were destined to be. If you did not have basic needs like shelter, food and water, you could not better yourself. You most likely could not even earn a living. Your emotional needs are just as important.
SOME NEEDS IDENTIFIED: (just a sampling)
CONNECTION: ACCEPTANCE, CLOSENESS, APPRECIATION, COMMUNICATION, EMPATHY, TRUST, TO BE UNDERSTOOD, ETC.
MEANING: GROWTH, CONSCIOUSNESS, CLARITY, TO MATTER, DISCOVER, PURPOSE, ETC.
HONESTY: AUTHENTICITY, PEACE, HONOR, ETC.
PLAY: JOY, HUMOR
AUTONOMY: CHOICE, FREEDOM, INDEPENDENCE
Have you ever thought about some of the above needs in your own life? Did it occur to you that your spouse and even your children have needs other than the basic survival needs?
The secret is stepping out of your own wants and needs long enough to lean what your mate needs.
Sometimes, simply having the conversation about your needs can strengthen the relationship and will make it a lot easier for you to keep each other happy. Even if you are uncomfortable having such a frank discussion, you should do it anyway. Telling each other your needs is better than hinting or expecting them to be psychic.
Always remember we can only change ourselves. We can not change our spouses. I recommend prayer; it works and it also gives us the grace to continue to be committed to our marriages. Love in marriage is not a noun, it is an action verb. We will either stop loving our spouses or we will continue to love them.
With my coaching tools, you will no longer need to second guess or try to figure out what you spouse needs. You and your spouse can know for a fact what your temperament needs are.
THE MOST ACCURATE TEMPERAMENT TEST AVAILABLE AS A PART OF THE HAPPY MARRIAGE PROGRAMS OR YOU CAN PURCHASE SEPARATELY HERE: 97% Accurate Test
Do this for You, for your Spouse and for Your Marriage.
For ways to be more feminine check out: http://lovecoachdebbie.com
Ever felt like your marriage was out of sorts. Sometimes feel as if you are finished trying to make the marriage work? Want to desperately get the love back? Then you're going to have to use a strategy that will help you get your marriage back and not cause your spouse to head for the hills!
Firstly remember that just because you want your marriage to work, your spouse may not want to work at it. If you've broken up before and your relationship has become a breakup/makeup merry go round, pretty soon one or both of you will want to one day get off that particular ride for good. So, there is a chance that they might have reached this point, no matter what you now feel and want.
Secondly to get your marriage back on track you're really going to have to look at the relationship as a whole, not just the parts you're comfortable looking at, because only then can you begin to find out what's causing the problems.
If you need outside third party help to scrutinize your relationship, then it's always worthwhile getting that help. If you have good and honest friends who will tell you what you need to hear, as opposed to what you want to hear, then talk to them.
You should also understand that to pull this off you're going to have to stop acting on whim and emotion and start working a well thought out proven plan. This is probably the most crucial step you will need to take, so get yourself under control. Sit down and plan to do whatever it takes to stop running around making things worse – stop calling them, texting them and trying to force they to see you because begging and pleading won't work.
Instead, occupy yourself by getting healthy, meet new people, take a class, and get fit, whatever it takes to help you re-focus and approach the whole situation from a point of clarity and calmness, is what you need to do.
Especially take the time to look at why you want to keep the marriage, because to be honest, too many people find themselves trying to fix certain areas of their marriage and still haven’t taken the time to be honest with themselves or their spouse. So, just because you want to make your marriage better, try asking yourself what you value and cherish in your marriage. Take a good look at what you expect and what you need in your marriage.
If you've come to the conclusion that working to improve your marriage is the right move for you, then once you have yourself under control and you've thought things through, then your next move is to call and talk to your spouse.
Understand that they may very well need more time before they are ready to speak to you never mind, entertain the idea of rekindling your relationship. Your goal, if this happens, is not to force the situation. Instead, tell your spouse that you understand completely and then tell them you will give them more time to think things through. Leave it at that and continue living your life and keeping yourself busy.
Debbie Kessler loves her husband, Wally Kessler. She is a southern girl who loves Jesus and loves building up people to do Good Works of Love.